One down....

You didn't really expect me not to write about my (mis)adventures at the IIT exam did you? I have mixed reactions about the beginning of the day as I don't know whether to term it good or bad. It certainly wasn't ugly or ordinary for that matter. I spent the half of the previous night rolling from one side of the bed to the other, leaving wet patches of sweat all over the sheets. My dad suddenly decided to take over my bedroom and since his snoring can be compared to the sound made by walruses being circumsized by the dozen, you can see why I couldn't share the room. Okay, I admit I have never actually heard the sound made by walruses being circumsized by the dozen, but I imagine it won't be pretty! If you ever have such a mortifying experience, please let me know.

Anyway the guest bed room was empty, but there is no air conditioning there and the bed is...well a piece of wood with pieces of cloth as a mattress. Ya I know, I pity my guests too, but the people who use it the most are people I don't much care for( and on most occasions, I have never seen before), so I guess it's cool. But the night wasn't cool and it took me a while to get adjusted to the 'woodiness'. I did sneak a few sips of the 2 litre bottles of pepsi my mom keeps hidden away behind the bed and thinks nobody knows about, and I did get up to piss once or twice, but that can't be called a fair enough compromise. Okay maybe it was more than a few sips, a few bottles maybe!Can't seem to remember! Despite how much I enjoy consuming sweetened carbonated water and then pissing it out in the middle of the night, it wasn't a good idea to change beds before an exam. I did, however drift into heavenly slumber around three in the morning. How do I know it was three? The mad dog that roams our alley at night, barked thrice. And the mad neighbour responded by barking back thrice.

Maybe subconsciously, I was waiting for the dog to bark thrice, as the next thing I knew the bell was chiming. It rung out thrice, ( by now you probably realise this is the beginning of a dream, so I'll cut out the graphic details). I was standing somewhere familiar, with a mammoth grandfather clock behind me that did not look particularly familiar, but it stood there suspiciously. At that moment it didn't strike me that it may have been a time portal. I am not certain that it WAS a time portal, but it couldn't have hurt to turn a few knobs and twist a few dials. Nor am I certain that it had any knobs or dials, but what would I be doing in a familiar room with nothing but a grandfather clock that was not a time portal? It just didn't add up! Anyway, I assumed I was to meet the geisha, as usual.( We had a break-up at our last meeting. She said something in Japanese that I didn't quite like the sound of. In fact I don't like the sound of anything Japanese. And the fact that she can't speak anything else just makes her hard to live with.) Contrary to my expectations, I was not met by the geisha.( maybe fate decided I was fucked enough as it is). Instead God stood before me. How did I know it was God? Maybe God wanted me to think so!

"Bow before me for I am God!" He said, his voice quavering like those insanely powerful voices of the Italian opera singers.

"What? You're in my dream! Why should I bow to you?" I replied, quite started.

"Okay Okay, you don't have to! Stupid democracy. I'll see you on the day of your judgement!"

"Whatever. So what's up?"

"Nothing much bro! Just me and a couple'o homes hanging out...stewing a few sinners. You know how it goes."

"Hmm....can I join you? Not much to do around here."

"Certainly not! Anyway, how do you feel about your exams?"

"LIKE SUNSHINE AND CHRISTMAS. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?"

"Okay, my bad! I'm here to offer you a choice!"

"Ooooooh, sounds exciting! Do I fall sick and don't have to take tomorrow's exam? Or maybe the paper gets leaked!"

"What?? Why would you think this has got anything to do with your exams?"

"Oh damn!," I was quite dejected. "Then what?"

"Well the choice is...You can either have great memory or an insanely long penis."

"Umm...Good memory might help the exam....but then again, I have nothing to remember. But how can you do that?"

"Look I'm God alright? Just make your choice so I can be back in time to watch Seinfeld!"He said impatiently, glancing at his watch.

"Time lag, huh?"

I seem to be drawing a blank here as I can't remember the choice I made. (winks). I woke up, strangely happy I couldn't remember much and as I flipped through the pages of 'Graphiti', the day's horoscope caught my eye. "Be brave and take a few chances"- it said. Was this a sign? Was my foolproof plan going to bear fruit? Does Adam's apple rhyme with Eve's nipple? The paradoxical and uncertain answers to the above questions was too much for me to grasp. What the heck! I wouldn't remember it anyway. The test centre was the West Bengal Public Service Commission building. I was met by two of my friends, Kunal and Huzefa who, like me had no hope of passing the test and possessed an undeterrable curiosity about the consequences of disturbing those around us, thus making sure they wouldn't get through either! MUHAHAHAHA(evil laugh). I could hear myself singing Himesh style and making farting noises already!

"So which floor do you think we're on?" Huzefa asked.

I carefully examined the building.

There were four flours. Just like the paper would have four options. The fourth had air-conditioning. Eliminate option. My registraion number was 104. There were about 400 people judging by the looks of it. So that implied I would be on the second floor. See what I did there? It's called calculated guess-work! Maybe fate was preparing me for the test to come! Maybe fate was also preparing me for the consequences as it turned out me seat was on the first floor! The six hour test began and by the end of the first hour, most of the students gave up. Some sat gazing into the nothingness ahead, some scratching their heads( or in the case of the guy in front of me, scratching his groin), some struggled on for another hour. Too bad they didn't have a flawless plan like I did! I marked everything A! Didn't even bother about the B. You can say I A'ced it! I came out of the hall, feeling reasonably happy, as people tend to be after getting over with a stupid exam you never had a hope of passing....and losing your memory!(winks!)