Friday, 29 August 2014

Just Shoot Me

Man, I should really make friends with people who know how to work a camera. Did you notice how I just dropped that on you out of the blue? After not giving even a wistful fuck about the state of this blog for a good three months? Well that's how I roll baby.

On a more serious note, it recently dawned on me that my Facebook profile picture has been re-used the way my older brother's blue sweater was, having been handed down as per family tradition (initiated by my great great grandfather if memory serves). Bear in mind that I had chosen this particular picture after having scoured through my stock of album photos with an air of persnicketiness and more than a smidgen of patience. "Aha!" I then exclaimed, albeit not in a DickDastardly-esque way while realisation hit me like the kind of ACME wrecking ball often found adhered to Wile E. Coyote's face as he plummets over a cliff that it was the same picture I had uploaded five months ago. Yes, I used 90's cartoon references. Yes, I am old. Yes, lack of regular writing has made me negligent of where commas fit in in sentences.

In my defence, I have a perfectly good set of reasons for not owning a collection of passable profile pictures. Here goes :-

1. I have bad taste in most things worth having a taste in. I have been told that my LinkedIn profile pic resembles a tomato in a suit (a sentiment I happen to strongly disagree with by the way). It just goes to show that even what I consider good fall irrefutably and inexorably under the broad category titled 'trash'. So never look in the trash folder on my computer if you happen to stumble upon it. Seriously. Nothing good can come of it. So there.

2. While photobombing makes for an excellent pastime in the event of the duckfaced populace in the vicinity, the pictures resulting therefrom would convince even the most ardent stalker that the lovechild of Godzilla and Snooki is about. And loves to photobomb. And if your social life consists mainly of a peg of BP tearfully consumed in the middle of the night while listening to Ambarsariya, believe me, you need that stalker.

3. I have glasses. When I wear them I pretend to be Clark Kent. When I take them off, I go squinty-eyed and twitchy. You know...like Superman.

4. I have a facial structure that is a bit complicated. I look like a horse in the way Glenn McGrath looks like a giraffe and like Glenn McGrath in the way a horse looks like a giraffe. If I were to describe to you my facial features - a Patrician nose, lazily leaning leftwards, eyebrows of a Brazillian supermodel, only bushier, droopy eyes, almond-shaped, yet stretched out more to resemble those of your local momo-vendor, a standard lesbian bob-cut, ears - classic edition, a set of teeth that make their presence known in situations they have no business being in, and an unimpressive chin. Facial hair upon special request/ random attempt to look like Khal Drogo.

5. Is anja in Tamil.

So it should be glaringly obvious why I hereby make a humble plea to all you shutter-happy narcissists out there. BE MY FRIEND! There are cookies involved, I promise.


No comments: