This is not a review. Do not mind the spoilers because no number of spoilers can deter you from watching this film if you are high or sloshed, which are the only circumstances under which this movie should be watched. The writers clearly wanted to have it so, which is why I think I'm safe in assuming that they did not hesitate to indulge themselves while they were writing it themselves. Despite the slackened sensibilities this would cause, Snakes on a Plane is probably the only movie that took a shorter span of time to write than Kolaveri Di.
So here's the gist - Special Agent Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) boards a red-eye flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles along with Sean Jones, the witness to a homicide, whose account incidentally is also the only thing that can put crime-lord Eddie Kim behind bars. Kim, however, the conniving villain that he is, decides to invest in the surest plan ever - to load the plane full of lethal exotic snakes, a plan which obviously through a chain of unforeseeable events, would result in the plane crashing somewhere in the Pacific. The other passengers on board the plane are rap icon Three G's and his entourage, prissy blonde woman with a little dog named Mary-Kate, fastidious old British businessman, a kickboxing champion, your everyday gay in-flight steward, a pair of ripped up hippies, two kids put up on the flight by their father to be picked up when they land by their mother, a woman with a baby, hot blonde stewardess and hot brunette stewardess. Before you write this movie off as inherently unwatchable...all the women in the movie are insanely hot!
So the plane takes off and the snakes, invigorated by a substance conveniently just referred to as 'pheromones' sprayed on the leis which each passenger is made to wear, break out of an obscure cabin of the plane and start slithering around, pulling out wires, gnashing their teeth and being general vandals. Nobody likes a scaly companion on a flight but these snakes are just trollers with swagger! When the hippies decide to engage in a nice romp in the lavatory, they decide to have a little snack, when the air masks descend, they jump out and smile, when the captain tries to repair the 'avionics', they play kabaddi and heck, do they have a strong hold! Every technical circuitry the snakes destroy on the plane is cleverly referred to as 'avionics' and it'll pike your curiosity, confuse and later annoy you to the extent that you'll wonder at the laziness of the research team. Finally, you'll understand that they probably didn't even bother with any research.
The rest of the film was constructed with the help of a list. The list was made thus,
Ways you can die on a plane full of vicious snakes 30,000 feet in the air, in the middle of a dangerous storm:-
1) Get bitten by a snake on the boob.
2) Get bitten by a snake on the penis.
3) Get bitten by a snake on the bum.
4) Get your eye gouged out by a snake.
5) Get stung on the arm. Recover. Then get stung again.
6) Get trampled and then bleed to death because a shoe-heel got shoved in your ear.
If you thought originality is a thing lacking in the film, consider the ways one can kill a snake:-
1) Put it in a microwave.
2) Roundhouse kick the snake to death.
3) Jibe at it to confuse it, and then blow the fire extinguisher at it.
4) Use your pocket-sized flame-thrower to burn it.
5) Electrocute it with your stun-gun.
6) If you're outnumbered, shoot holes through the windows of the plane and hold on to something while the snakes are sucked out.
Snakes on a Plane turns out to be quite educational as well, as you learn a number of things that will not work when you're confronted by a snake!
1) Trying to save a baby while a cobra stares lecherously at its rattle, will get you bitten.
2) Flinging a dog named Mary-Kate at a python will only buy you a second's time before it decides to have you for dessert.
3) Drawing a rough caricature of the snake that bit your brother is accurate enough for the authorities to identify the species and prescribe the antivenom later on.
The most confusing aspect of the movie is that nothing plays out as expected simply because it is more innovative than any bad movie you've ever seen before. Blatant in-your-face advertising is a common occurrence throughout the film. If you think about it, why else would anyone fund such a film? The dialogues are sketchy to say the least and in most cases, they just don't fit. When Agent Flynn's partner of 10 years falls hurtling down a stairwell infested with the critters, he sits up, stares in bewilderment, apparently in a state of shock, but finds it in himself to say "I have Ophidiophobia", a short pause and then to clarify "The fear of snakes". Parts of the movie seem redundant and just loosely thrown in. The co-pilot named Rick who tries valiantly to fly the plane back to LA single-handedly gets stung by a constrictor, (since none of the hundreds of passengers thinks it necessary to go keep an eye on the most important person on the flight) he is presumed dead for about 15 minutes, and then makes a heroic recovery and takes control of the flight again, before being stung again by a bunch of little green snakes because, again, none of the others could be bothered to guard the cockpit. Random people introduced for the first time keep dying periodically in comical ways throughout the first half. A porcine old lady imagines a juicy rub in her sleep while a snake slides its way up her skirt and then kisses her to death.
There is a little something for gamers as well. Some of the snakes seem more menacing than the rest. So I shall label these particular killings Bossfights.
Bossfight #1
Hot brunette stewardess hacks at a constrictor with an axe. Emerges victorious.
Bossfight #2
Wretched old British businessman tries to defend himself by chucking dog at python. Python counters by swallowing dog and then chugging down the old goose, Anaconda style!
Indeed, the flight is eventually landed by Kenan Thompson (that guy from Kenan and Kel and SNL) who has over 2000 hours of flying experience on flight simulator on his play station. At which point both Flynn and Sean secure dates with the hot stewardesses and are shown happily surfing in exotic waters, all semblance of a trial to condemn Eddie Kim forgotten! On the plus side, all the hot chicks survive! Boo-yeah! *High fives all around*
Snakes on a Plane makes a very interesting watch for ardent fans of Samuel L. Jackson. It also makes a hilarious watch if you have the time and the popcorn. It will surprise you, entice you, tickle you till you laugh, tweak your nipples and slightly arouse you before leaving you breathless. With laughter.
AFTER POST
Here's a little drinking game you can play while watching the film.
1) Anytime someone says mother or fucker or both - 1 drink.
2) Anytime someone is bitten on an erogenous zone - 2 drinks.
3) Anytime random person you see for the first time dies - 1 drink.
4) Anytime someone says Mary-Kate - 2 drinks.
5) Anytime they say avionics - 1 drink.
6) Anytime the python appears - 1 drink.
7) Anytime Kenan Thompson gets a dialogue - Continuous drink (Keep drinking from the start of his dialogue till the end).
So here's the gist - Special Agent Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) boards a red-eye flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles along with Sean Jones, the witness to a homicide, whose account incidentally is also the only thing that can put crime-lord Eddie Kim behind bars. Kim, however, the conniving villain that he is, decides to invest in the surest plan ever - to load the plane full of lethal exotic snakes, a plan which obviously through a chain of unforeseeable events, would result in the plane crashing somewhere in the Pacific. The other passengers on board the plane are rap icon Three G's and his entourage, prissy blonde woman with a little dog named Mary-Kate, fastidious old British businessman, a kickboxing champion, your everyday gay in-flight steward, a pair of ripped up hippies, two kids put up on the flight by their father to be picked up when they land by their mother, a woman with a baby, hot blonde stewardess and hot brunette stewardess. Before you write this movie off as inherently unwatchable...all the women in the movie are insanely hot!
So the plane takes off and the snakes, invigorated by a substance conveniently just referred to as 'pheromones' sprayed on the leis which each passenger is made to wear, break out of an obscure cabin of the plane and start slithering around, pulling out wires, gnashing their teeth and being general vandals. Nobody likes a scaly companion on a flight but these snakes are just trollers with swagger! When the hippies decide to engage in a nice romp in the lavatory, they decide to have a little snack, when the air masks descend, they jump out and smile, when the captain tries to repair the 'avionics', they play kabaddi and heck, do they have a strong hold! Every technical circuitry the snakes destroy on the plane is cleverly referred to as 'avionics' and it'll pike your curiosity, confuse and later annoy you to the extent that you'll wonder at the laziness of the research team. Finally, you'll understand that they probably didn't even bother with any research.
The rest of the film was constructed with the help of a list. The list was made thus,
Ways you can die on a plane full of vicious snakes 30,000 feet in the air, in the middle of a dangerous storm:-
1) Get bitten by a snake on the boob.
2) Get bitten by a snake on the penis.
3) Get bitten by a snake on the bum.
4) Get your eye gouged out by a snake.
5) Get stung on the arm. Recover. Then get stung again.
6) Get trampled and then bleed to death because a shoe-heel got shoved in your ear.
If you thought originality is a thing lacking in the film, consider the ways one can kill a snake:-
1) Put it in a microwave.
2) Roundhouse kick the snake to death.
3) Jibe at it to confuse it, and then blow the fire extinguisher at it.
4) Use your pocket-sized flame-thrower to burn it.
5) Electrocute it with your stun-gun.
6) If you're outnumbered, shoot holes through the windows of the plane and hold on to something while the snakes are sucked out.
Snakes on a Plane turns out to be quite educational as well, as you learn a number of things that will not work when you're confronted by a snake!
1) Trying to save a baby while a cobra stares lecherously at its rattle, will get you bitten.
2) Flinging a dog named Mary-Kate at a python will only buy you a second's time before it decides to have you for dessert.
3) Drawing a rough caricature of the snake that bit your brother is accurate enough for the authorities to identify the species and prescribe the antivenom later on.
The most confusing aspect of the movie is that nothing plays out as expected simply because it is more innovative than any bad movie you've ever seen before. Blatant in-your-face advertising is a common occurrence throughout the film. If you think about it, why else would anyone fund such a film? The dialogues are sketchy to say the least and in most cases, they just don't fit. When Agent Flynn's partner of 10 years falls hurtling down a stairwell infested with the critters, he sits up, stares in bewilderment, apparently in a state of shock, but finds it in himself to say "I have Ophidiophobia", a short pause and then to clarify "The fear of snakes". Parts of the movie seem redundant and just loosely thrown in. The co-pilot named Rick who tries valiantly to fly the plane back to LA single-handedly gets stung by a constrictor, (since none of the hundreds of passengers thinks it necessary to go keep an eye on the most important person on the flight) he is presumed dead for about 15 minutes, and then makes a heroic recovery and takes control of the flight again, before being stung again by a bunch of little green snakes because, again, none of the others could be bothered to guard the cockpit. Random people introduced for the first time keep dying periodically in comical ways throughout the first half. A porcine old lady imagines a juicy rub in her sleep while a snake slides its way up her skirt and then kisses her to death.
There is a little something for gamers as well. Some of the snakes seem more menacing than the rest. So I shall label these particular killings Bossfights.
Bossfight #1
Hot brunette stewardess hacks at a constrictor with an axe. Emerges victorious.
Bossfight #2
Wretched old British businessman tries to defend himself by chucking dog at python. Python counters by swallowing dog and then chugging down the old goose, Anaconda style!
Indeed, the flight is eventually landed by Kenan Thompson (that guy from Kenan and Kel and SNL) who has over 2000 hours of flying experience on flight simulator on his play station. At which point both Flynn and Sean secure dates with the hot stewardesses and are shown happily surfing in exotic waters, all semblance of a trial to condemn Eddie Kim forgotten! On the plus side, all the hot chicks survive! Boo-yeah! *High fives all around*
Snakes on a Plane makes a very interesting watch for ardent fans of Samuel L. Jackson. It also makes a hilarious watch if you have the time and the popcorn. It will surprise you, entice you, tickle you till you laugh, tweak your nipples and slightly arouse you before leaving you breathless. With laughter.
AFTER POST
Here's a little drinking game you can play while watching the film.
1) Anytime someone says mother or fucker or both - 1 drink.
2) Anytime someone is bitten on an erogenous zone - 2 drinks.
3) Anytime random person you see for the first time dies - 1 drink.
4) Anytime someone says Mary-Kate - 2 drinks.
5) Anytime they say avionics - 1 drink.
6) Anytime the python appears - 1 drink.
7) Anytime Kenan Thompson gets a dialogue - Continuous drink (Keep drinking from the start of his dialogue till the end).
2 comments:
Must Watch Now. You're doing this on purpose. I need to study!
BUT YOU MUST! :D
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