How to lose a girl in 10 minutes

So our friend Anoorag sits at the round table in the corner of the library one tube-lit morning, deeply engrossed in a book - the book, strangely, grossly deep and philosophical. In comes his friend, let's call her Devon. Coz...err...well, it's a hot name! What follows is a conversation that shall never take place:-

Devon( dumping heavy pile of books on the table): Shoot. I'm all ears.

Anoorag( looking up from his book, mild surprise etched on his face): Did you really issue all those books?

Devon: Of course not!

Anoorag: Ah-

Devon: I'm gonna whack them when the librarian's not looking and sell them on the streets.

Anoorag: Figures...

Devon: You called me here to talk. So talk.

Anoorag: I called you here yesterday. I'm kinda busy studying now...

Devon: You're reading a comic book!

Anoorag: And you're calling attention to your bosom by by wearing a low-cut dress. Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were playing 'State the obvious'!

Devon:...And I thought you liked that!

Anoorag: Don't get me wrong. I'm just competitive by nature. There are others who like it you know.

Devon: (looks around...raises an eyebrow): I don't see anyone....Are my boobs jutting out of my back? Damn I knew the boob job didn't come off right!

Anoorag: (placating tone) I meant Tom.

Devon: Tom who?

Anoorag: Tom Bombadill. Tom who do you think?

Devon: Oh that Tom. I don't mind. He's kinda cute.

Anoorag: Spare me the details.

Devon: He's tall and broad and -

Anoorag: Stop it!

Devon: -has blue eyes and plays football and -

Anoorag: Please Stop -

Devon: -he's smart and funny and uncircumcised and -

Anoorag: STOP IT!...Wait! What?

Devon: Err...went a bit overboard there, didn't I?

(Sound of heels clicking on the marble floor and a lady in a blue suit emerges, a badge that says 'Librarian' pinned on her chest.)

Librarian: Put a lid on it. This is a library, not a playground....(sizing Anoorag up)...Not that you'd have anything to do with the playground...

Anoorag: (Giving her a piercing look) I'm sorry ma'am. Things just got out of hand. We'll keep it down.

Librarian: I sure hope so. (Turning to Devon)And yeah, Tom is uncircumcised.

Anoorag: Wha-

(The unfinished exclamatory remark hangs in the air while the librarian executes a perfect 180 degree about-turn and makes her way back to the counter at the far side of the library, the clickety-clack of her heels fading as the silence deepens. Devon leans back in her chair, gazing at Anoorag with a contemplative look.)

Anoorag: I know that look. Say it.

Devon: I was wondering -

Anoorag: Just say it!

Devon: Maybe you should get a girl for yourself.

Anoorag: Oh yes, me, Anoorag, walk up to a beautiful girl and ask "Hi! I'm lanky and nerdy and the extremely possessive type. Wanna hang out?"

Devon: Why not? How about that one?( points to cute blonde nearby)

Anoorag: Oh she's way too hot. 500 bucks tops!

Devon: What? She's hot so she's a hooker? What kind of logic is that?

Anoorag: The envious, jealous, "I didn't get any in high school kind!" Helloo?

Devon: Well...she is yummy!

Anoorag: I knew it!

Devon: Stop it -

Anoorag( sarcasm drawing itself a twisted smile on his face): Knew it the day I saw you staring at Tera's ass!

Devon: I was not! No stop it -

Anoorag: Do you have a video of you doing Tera? Can I have it? I'll put it up on youtube and earn money -

Devon: I WILL SLAP YOU!

Anoorag: Hmm..."She slapped me so hard, she turned straight!"

(Point blank gaze. Both still duelling a final onslaught with their eyes, disgust, the only trace of indignation)

Devon: What is your problem if I fancy Tom? He's not a bad guy.

Anoorag: He's a prick.

Devon: Whatever. I just think he's nice.

Anoorag: I dunno, I've always pictured you with a soft, witty, book-loving, sports repelling, slightly conceited sort of guy.

Devon( cogitative expression): We-ell....I suppose I would like that -

Anoorag: Do you?

( Deafening silence. Battle pits turn to unfathomably deep, mysterious magic in their eyes and the haze lifts, revealing a tube-lit path for the other to follow.)

Devon:...Yes.

Anoorag: Wow! That worked...Ok, what are we supposed to do now?

Devon: Err...I was kidding...NO!

Anoorag: Damn it woman! That's gotta be the shortest relationship I've ever had!

Devon: You've never had one!

Anoorag: Rub it in now, will ya?

Devon: Seriously, you're crazy! You kill pests with sport equipment, get high on cigarettes and cough syrup, live in a cocoon of self-obsessed narcissism, poke fun at everything under the sun, and if that were not enough, you have imaginary people living in your head -

Anoorag: Hey, I killed all of them -

Devon: WHAT?

Anoorag: What? Now you have a moral issue with me killing figments of my own imagination?

Devon: The point is...why would anyone want to be with you?

Anoorag: Beats me -

Devon: Stop answering if you don't know what to say. Look, I have to get out of here...

Anoorag: As you please....

(He waits until she's at the far side of the library. Then hollers.)

Anoorag: " NO WOMAN, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!! HOW DESPERATE CAN YOU GET?"

(5 minutes later, he finds himself outside the library, having been severely reprimanded, but managing to get a shot in with "Well Tom said you were saggy!")

......................................................................................................

P.S.

Devon was my first porn-star crush. I always picture her as the smart type with whom I'll become great friends while secretly harbouring feelings for her. She'll eventually break my heart and walk out of my life.

Yeah, she's a tramp.

Yeah, I need prozac.