Electron Theory of Human Relations

Principle : Based on the the fundamental law of nature, ie, beauty is inversely proportional to brains.

Notes:-

1) The theory applies equally to both genders.

2) Applicable only for relationships that exceed the time frame of a one night stand.

3) Inclusive of but not limited to prolonged periods without masturbation, inordinately long periods of PMS or amnesia.

4) Does not apply to situations that involve exchange of money for coitus.

5) Applies only to humans with IQ in the range of 80 - 190. (Ok, maybe chimpanzees too)

Working :-

1) Let the system of hyperbolic curves (not drawn to scale) represent levels, better known in day-to-day jargon as 'leagues', that are analogous to energy levels in the molecular structure of a substance according to the electron theory.

2) If the x and y axes are used to map brains and looks respectively, then the dotted lines cutting across the system of curves segregate the Einstein's, Kelly Pickler's and normal people of the world.

3) As the curves extend toward infinity on the ordinate, the curves tend to converge. The resultant shape provides something to aspire to, and promotes the industry of both, celluloid and cognitive-enhancing drugs. All so we can emerge, dripping with the sex appeal of Batman.

4) Any transition can be split into its displacement along x and y axes, and the resultant displacement, mapped horizontally/vertically between two imaginary levels represents how stupid/alluring one is.

5) A retarding excitation, sparked mainly by deprivation can cause one to undergo an idiotic transition and look for a partner of limited intelligence who may or may not have the advantage of better looks.

6) A sympathetic transition is a misnomer. It is actually a disease that affects both, people on the higher end of the intelligence spectrum as well as exceedingly facetious Bollywood actors. In any case, it has given us couples like Aamir Khan and Kiran Rao.

7) People any higher on the intelligence scale tend to be asexual/prone to Alzheimers', impotency or general don't-give-a-fuck-ness (literally).

8) People higher up on the Beauty scale are subject to narcissism, mental atrophy and commonly end up at the backs of trucks, violated by the psycho-killers with a fetish for bondage. Common topics of discussion among them are prada, Edward Cullen, and stuff related to prada and Edward Cullen. Should not be confused with gay men.


Inference :-

1) This theory throws phrases like "He/She's out of your league" in the category of myths, as a transition can occur in any direction. That concept was flawed to begin with. It necessitated a smart, good-looking girl to be above the league of a good-looking but slow guy, yet within the charming capabilities of a smart yet, unappealing (looks-wise) guy, who in turn was way 'out of league' of the attractive yet dumb blonde 'in the league' of the stupid jock referred to earlier, thus forming two flights of a Penrose staircase, which by definition, is hypothetical.

2) It explains why the nerdy guy with glasses won't respond to your overtures. He is probably unaccustomed to the coquetry prevalent in higher levels on the beauty scale. He is also, at some time in the future, likely to turn into a massive, green monster like Bruce Banner did.

3) It disregards pre-conceived interpretations of terms like "Blonde" and proves that relatively, we are all retards.

4) It shows that Gregory House/Clementine Kruczynski are the most perfect idols we should aspire to. Although not directly proved by the chart, this is implied.

5) It forms the basis for what I shall call 'Archie's Dilemma' when an entity is excited by both a retarding and blinding excitation, or the inability to choose between Betty and Veronica.

Drawbacks :-

1) It does not take into account, the monetary status of a person and hence cannot explain why young, beautiful women are drawn to rich older men.

2) It does not take incest, pedophilia and other common proclivities into account and hence, cannot explain the Woody Allen situation.

3) It cannot explain why Mandark loves DeeDee or why Lara Dutta won't go out with me.

4) It cannot explain this.

5) Sil cannot be accommodated in the theory.