For The Holy Kingdom

Once upon a time there was a secret terrorist organisation that undertook its clandestine operations largely underground, conscious shrewdly of the world's goings on, plotting wildly to usurp a major portion of the globe. Although, a lot less renowned than it's Jihadist counterparts and a lot less clingy to its didactic dictates, it drew its cadre from the educated, ballsy mercenaries from third world countries around the world. It was called 'The Underground Terrorist Movement'. Yes, they provided free t-shirts on signing up!

A freelance political activist, tired of being a sidekick to the later mentioned 'Gay', Tanusree Ismail Chaudhuri Ul-Haque( Tan), was the kind of adventure seeking rebel who would fit right in with the UTM. She found herself curiously drawn to its cause and managed to get an interview with the Supreme leader, the man whose identity to this day remains uncertain, the diabolically named 'Noor'. It is common knowledge among the lower workers of the UTM that the heated interview lasted a good 3 minutes, Tan belligerently voicing her marked disapproval of the objectives and code of conduct of the organisation, but was eventually roped in with the flawless pension plan, health benefits and promise of 72 virgins upon entering the Holy Kingdom which the great cause provided. Tan, as we know her, was bi-curious.

Her story, before I came to know her might not have been entirely correct, and her mercenary skills, acquired engaging in the arms-trade in Central Africa, might not have been the most competent,( She pursued a man named Holt, former dictator in the James' province of Calcutta, for 3 entire years before resigning from the job. Once she even resorted to seduction, but forgot, at the last minute to put cyanide in his drink) but as long as I have known her, she has been the most engaging and entertaining friend I've had. Count on Tan to say something that's entirely mundane or even inappropriate, and yet bring a smile to your face. A colony of Meerkat, by nature are curiously unpredictable and erratic, and anyone who's known Tan and has seen Lion King, would know that were Tan a Meerkat, she would blend right in. Her whimsical nature just cannot be contained. Not a few times, has it landed her in trouble. I was made aware, last month (I was not present, of course. I was err, handing out free T shirts in Saudi Arabia, you know NGO work.) of one of Tan's escapades. Evidently, she waved at someone she didn't know, one that can only be described as 'Chengra',(hold breath) thinking he was one of her innumerable uncles! I don't know if she's accustomed to encountering little family reunions in the middle of Ballygunge Phari, where loving uncles wave at her from buses, and maybe hop off the bus and skipping over to her, regale her with witty anecdotes from her childhood, but as luck would have it the guy was not her uncle. As bad luck would have it, Uncle Chengra turned out to be a stalker! Being stalked by the paparazzi if you're a film star might be glamorous, but being stalked by a grimy man with tobacco-stained teeth and a tattered jacket who looks like a loving uncle and a raging pedophile at the same time, is at the least, terrifying. So Tan found herself scurrying away from the apparently life-threatening ordeal she had invited upon herself, being stalked for the greater part of an hour before hailing a cab and reaching home in panicking safety.

Now I might be a bit rusty regarding the details, but the incident should, if not convince you to be wary when hanging out with Tan, at least give you a general idea about this wonderfully innocuous girl. Tan, will always remain, as I've known her, bursting with exuberance, as effusive as daybreak, a shot of adrenaline to the arm. Even when she's a haggard little old lady, she'll be the kind of grandmother who surprises the kids with a box of sweets in the middle of the week and tells them tales of Tuntuni Pakhi with little embellishments of her own, (with the kind of randomness she inspires, I'd be surprised if she'd be able to recount the story without making it up as she goes along.)Yes, future generations shall hear stories of Tuntuni Pakhi riddling the Raja with bullet holes from its AK-47 rifle, they shall live in fear of the cruel dictator called Holt, but what they shall never experience is the excitement of having known Tan. It's a fair trade...They get the excitement of Global Warming.


PS. After the UTM was disbanded a year and a half ago, when its Supreme leader was forced to abscond to a vile and savage place without civilisation, disillusioned, Tan turned in her rifle and enrolled in Netaji Bhobon College of Engineering where she's engaged even today...