There are too many people born in the month of December. Yesterday was Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone, by the way! If it wasn't so merry,well...join the club. There are few things more invigorating than the yuletide season poured in a cup along with a dash of birthdays and liquorice, mixed with cocoa and sipped blissfully in front of a roaring fire. Especially if the fire is made on the carcasses of pests that had infiltrated your territory over the months you had been away. Revenge is sweet!
Anyway, I was really taken aback when I realised that I know atleast four people who are born on very Christmas Day. Too many Santas? Wrong! Jesus was born on Christams, not Santa. If you got that right, then I'm probably the only idiot who thinks otherwise. I mean, why, why should an obese old man in a red coat with flying reindeer for Chirist's sake, go through the trouble of climbing down dusty Chimneys to leave presents for children if it's not his birthday? Come on! the guy lives in the frikkin' North Pole! He's lonely. Maybe he decides "Well, I've been alone for the entire year. BUT I'M NOT GONNA SPEND MY BIRTH FUCKIN' DAY HUMPING AROUND WITH THESE ELVES!" See, perfectly logical. Besides, if he lives in the North Pole, how on earth can he even tell it's Christams? They have six months of day, and six months of Summer for crying out loud! But old men have a knack for telling when their birthdays are nearby. Trust me. You might be wallowing on your carpet with your old grand-dad in his rocking chair, snoring away in his usual stupor, when suddenly the snores come to an abrupt halt, the rocking chair creaks and comes to a perfect stop, you suspect he has had a heart attack when suddenly he drawls out with all the zeal of senile bewilderment "It's my birthday today, I know coz my rheumatism just got worse...My old bones ache!" And there he goes, drifts back into the land of sugary slumber. I kinda like penguins. But guess what? There aren't even penguins in the North fuckin' Pole! Santa is one lonely old man. Maybe he needs children. He needs them to satisfy his paedophilic cravings. Silently creeping through chimneys to leave presents for children? That's the lamest excuse I ever heard. Can you imagine Santa sneaking stealthily into your room - "Raymoooooond, I got a present for yooouuu!" while undoing the clasp of his big, black belt? Hell, I'd hug the bogeyman. I'd form an alliance with him. I'd thrust all my Christmas cookies down his throat and beg him to please, PLEASE, "Keep Santa away from me!" I never really understood his fetish for big red stockings anyway. I swear, I had a tooth stolen by Santa one Christmas. "You dumb, retarded, fat ball of jolly hallelujah, don't you fuckin' recognise a tooth when you see one? That was for the tooth fairy! I was counting on that money to get myself a new drawing book. YOU could have brought me a new drawing book! But guess what....YOU DIDN'T! That's right, I blame you for never having learnt how to draw. Yes, you, you jiggling, hoggling, callipygous lump of Prozac!" Who is this Santa anyway? Just coz it's his birthday, he thinks he can prance around with a bunch of deer, who by the way have red noses not becuase they are jocular, drunk creatures, but because they are cold! Don't you think they resent being dragged out of their nice, warm stables or wherever you keep deer and forced to work on Christmas Eve? Animal Rights anyone? If I had the authority, I'd have the military shoot the mofo down in mid air! He's invading our bloody air space! What if the North Pole has developed it's own nuclear warhead and is planning a terrorist attack on the whole world?
Elf No. 1: "Hey Sucknobyoufagus, remember the nuke we magically conjured last year? Let's enjoy some fireworks!"
Elf No. 2: "Good idea Suntanonassandpuss, let's put it in Santa's bag! The old man won't have a clue. Imagine him molesting one of them human kids and BOOM! Jolly Ho!"
Tenacious D: "The rule of North Pole will be oursssss! Wait...is Santa an Eskimo?"
Phew! That feels a lot better. Strangely, almost everyone I meet nowadays turns out to be either a Sagittarian or a Capricorn. I never really liked Sagi's much. (Sorry the two of you). It's not my fault really. Scorps aren't supposed to like Sagi's. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends and worst enemies are Sags. You'd think the feelings would balance out. But you'd be wrong! There are just too many of them. I mean, about 19 years ago, the carols on Christmas eve must've been interrupted from time to time by the cries of some woman or the other in labour. (That's for you cappies. Merry Christmas. I kinda like you....But not that much). But why, oh why, so many in December? Is 9 months before December, March, that exciting? Yeah, I know, I know 'It's the end of the long not-so cold winter and the beginning of Spring, so let's celebrate feeling!' So I guess, it's pardonable. Besides, the party season is kinda fun! October to December is one long joyride, I've always felt.
Comment only if you're a Sagi or a Cappy or a Santa-lover-hater or the random Cancerian. Something tells me I'm gonna get the same number of comments again. Something also tells me the first person I see when I touch down at Chennai will also be a saggy, I mean sagi. (Law of Probability). And I shall tell him/her -"I will not carry your suitcase!" Hah.
P.S. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DEATH BY CHOCOLATE??"
3 comments:
first comment by a sagi! :D
i have that theory too you know. people feel a little too horny around march, but why they make babies then - ALL of them - i don't understand.
and the stuff about santa being a paedophile.. god, you're ruining whatever love i had for christmas and the childish fun thinking about santa. :-/
(btw, i've never laughed so much reading a blog post. i didn't know scorpions had a sense of humour.)
Finally, someone who believes in astrology! You're right. Scorps don't have a sense of humour. We're stupid, obsessive, cynical and vindictive!
Reading this was FUN :D
And Neeti, I've wondered about it too. Like, a LOT.
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