-"What about Will Turner?"
-"What about him?"
-"Surely we need some quixotic, lovelorn fool whom we can work our plot around? What if we need someone to be taken hostage or are short of one man with motive to, you know, do whatever it is to complicate the situation-"
-"You're right. Let's cast someone else. In fact, let's take it further. Let's make him a man of the cloth!"
-"How fitting!"
-"Very fitting-"
-"And the love interest?"
-"Ah, a man of the cloth would surely not be bound to worldly pleasures. Let's make this mystical and enchanting. Let's make it....a mermaid!"
-"A mermaid you say? What would we do about her breasts? It's still a family movie you know-"
-"Oh that can be covered up with hair or scales or water as required. Don't worry about that."
-"Will this mermaid...sing?"
-"Of course! It will even kill and eat humans! But we'll make her fall in love and create the perfect 'Aww' situation."
-"I see. But we do need to have the fountain on land, so we can't have her in the main scene at the end-"
-"We'll give her legs on land! Everyone finds their sea-legs, she'll find her land-legs."
-"I'm not sure about this. We better make her hot-"
-"Definitely. That's a given."
-"That should work."
-"And I was thinking of casting Penelope Cruz-"
-"But she can't pull off heavily accented English dialogues. She'll just seem odd being in scenes with Geoffrey Rush! Also, we'll need some kind of Spanish involvement even to explain her presence."
-"I've got the perfect idea. The Spanish Royalty is after the fountain too!"
-"With what intent?"
-"Why would someone want to reach the fountain of youth? Immortality of course!"
-"But then we would have to introduce yet another character! Spanish, no less. We would have to give him motive, traits of character and we'd have to teach Johnny Depp that it's pronounced 'Ola and not Hola!"
-"Fine, fine! How about this? They're out to destroy the fountain!"
-"But why?"
-"Because they believe in the divine right of God and no one else to grant eternal life!"
-"But...why?"
-"I don't know - They're Spanish!"
-"And what of the Ahab factor?"
-"What is the Ahab factor?"
-"You know, at least one of the men at sea must have a wooden leg. It makes the audience believe in the legitimacy of pirates - They have wooden legs. But we don't have Davy Jones anymore.."
-"Are you sure of that? Ahab wasn't even a pirate. But I suppose you're right. Break off one of Barbossa's legs."
-"But how?"
-"In a tussle with Blackbeard! Yes, it gives him motive to kill Blackbeard! That's one problem solved. I was beginning to worry how I was going to get him killed. Couldn't let the Spanish do it, could I?"
-"I suppose not. Is it settled then? Everything considered?"
-"I think so."
-"What about the poisonous toads?"
-"We'll work them in somehow.."
Despite the pitiful catastrophe that is At World's End, Pirates of the Caribbean has been unwaveringly faithful to a number of key elements that it would have been prudent to incorporate in the fourth. One, never, never, NEVER use half the screen-time for Jack Sparrow! He doesn't need it. Make the audience crave him, for 40 minutes if need be. Two, NEVER build the plot around Jack, especially if the storyline has nothing to do with him. On Stranger Tides deals with Blackbeard( Ian McShane)'s quest to discover the Fountain of Youth, alongside his daughter Angelica( Penelope Cruz) who wants more than anything, to protect her father since it has been prophesied (by God knows whom! Tia Delma is not there anymore) that Blackbeard would meet his death at the hands of a one-legged man (Any guesses who?). Jack turns out to be the guide they need to journey to the Fountain and they manage to shanghai him aboard after he is shot with a drugged dart by the zombie quartermaster (I know! Incredible, right?). Three, friction is a must! Conflict of interest was the principle driving force that kept the initial trilogy going, and it never hurt when it added to the hilarity or unexpectedness of the situation. There are no such conundrums in this film. Barbossa( Geoffrey Rush) is hired in his Majesty's name to scour the seas in search for the Fountain before the Spanish do, and he seems content with that. In fact he welcomes it as it offers him a chance to get even with his nemesis, Blackbeard who, as is revealed (Spoiler Alert!) towards the end, is responsible for him having lost his leg AND the Pearl earlier on. Blackbeard, on the other hand, is searching for the Fountain to empower himself by turning immortal so he is adequately shielded against the prophesy. Angelica, the only background history of whom seems to be that she had an impassioned tryst with Jack Sparrow( Johnny Depp) in the past, is a concerned yet lethal daughter bent on preserving her father's right to continue his evil reign of the seas. Yet, she seems happy enough at the end, when Blackbeard is eventually vanquished to engage in whimsical verbal tete-a-tetes with her beloved Jack. Jack's only motive seems to be to go along with the plot, presumably with the intention of safeguarding his beloved, whom he admits to have feelings, no, stirrings for (I liked this particular scene). Yet, he inexplicably abandons her on an island in the end. Philip( Sam Claflin) who starts out tied to the mast and ends up at the depths of sea, is besotted with his mermaid lover( Astrid Berges-Frisbey), who does nothing but look smouldering and refuse to cry. Oh, did I mention you need mermaid tears to activate the Fountain? Convenient, eh?
As we see Jack frolicking from one scene to another, through verdant forests and the stygian caves that lead to the Fountain of Youth, we realize something. Jack Sparrow is not a drug to be overdosed on. If administered in large doses, one needs adequate quirks, convoluted motives and a reliable script to waive the nauseating side-effects of your everyday mundane action-hero. One of the essentials of Jack's character that we have come to love over the years is his endearing cluelessness as evidenced by the sundry inane quips. Although the script doesn't lack particularly in entertainment, it fails to stay true to the much applauded smart-assery of Jack, as drunken monologues employing hilarious logic are now reduced to ad-like punchlines! Also, seldom in the previous films has Jack been shown in successive scenes. They shift in and out of parallel plotlines, at the same time allowing the audience enough time to reel from Jack's last audacious antic before leaping into the next. In this film, however, we follow Jack from one scene to another, if anything it takes away from the experience by challenging our attention span, but I suppose a director has to be allowed at least that much liberty in calling the shots. Like the previous films, however, the extras in this one are afforded a whole lot of lines that would have been better off spoken by Philip, an unnecessary character whose presence on screen is about as inspiring as that of the poisonous toads that Barbossa has a penchant to collect. "Old people are allowed to have hobbies," as he aptly explains. Geoffrey Rush seems to be the only one carrying the film through its several flaws, his acting impeccable as always. His brilliance comes to light in a subsequent conversation with Jack when they're captured and tied to trees, following which they engage in an intellectual conversation of the nature of that you'd expect from Alan Shore and Denny Crane. In a profoundly stirring monologue, he explains the wrong done him by Blackbeard in compelling the very fabric of his vessel against him, the event that cost him his leg and ship. Rush proves again why he is an actor worth nomination for an Oscar, with hands tied behind his back. What's more? The guy stores rum in his wooden leg!
In contrast, Blackbeard's role can only be described as incomplete, at best. His character is bestowed with the very cool ability to contort and manipulate every part of a ship - rope, mast, anchor, notwithstanding, without so much as batting an eyelid. But it fails to deliver where it's needed the most. Unlike the former Pirates villains (namely, Barbossa, Davy Jones and Beckett), Blackbeard shows a serious lack of quirk. There is no notable trait of his that cannot be generated by CGI and no line delivered by him that cannot be outdone by the deadpan zombie on deck! In contrast to Blackbeard, Davy Jones and Barbossa have, in the previous enterprises, been chalked up to be human in love or sentiment, as is the one defining feature of all notable villains of films past. Blackbeard comes across as one who might just as well be fraught with constipation as be immersed in a frantic struggle to protect his own life.
In spite of all the areas where it falls short, I was surprised to find that the film works! Relying heavily on the 3D environment to provoke a reaction where screen skill is absent, Pirates 4 is astonishingly successful. Be it fire being spewed from from Blackbeard's ship, or his decrepit hand lunging at you when he is swallowed in a whirlwind of dust, or a school of mermaids demolishing a boat with their frenzied leaping, you will never be short of instances when you have your heart pounding in your mouth. The movie has its moments too - Jack Sparrow's miraculous escape in the beginning and the attack of the mermaids in between. One might find the absence of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley in a cameo surprising, but oh well. When it's all done, you can sit back in your chair with a pack of apple juice by your side and type out your own critique of the movie, none of which cannot be surmised by a jubilant 'Ole'.
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