Online Dating 101

In retrospect it was a lousy idea to arrange a meeting at CCD. Zusammen. That's german for 'to arrange a meeting'. I am quite the scholar. At least that's what my online dating profile says. Truth is I learnt it as a pre-pubescent nitwit watching Eurotrip on repeat. It's amazing how the mind can soak up things that are of no practical purpose. My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most countries. Foot-tapping, glancing nervously at my watch from time to time. I tend to do that when I'm uneasy. Although I don't generally leave my fly unzipped. Nevertheless, that was the case that evening. 10 minutes late. It's always a mistake to arrange a meeting over the internet. Some days you might get lucky. But there's always the risk of waking up tied to the bedpost with a jawbreaker in your mouth, wearing a skin-tight spandex and with no recollection of how you got there in the first place. But then I was always a risk taker. The regular crowd chatting all around. Mostly old people. No surprises there. Coffee bars are so 90's. The only people in there are in their 30's with a Friends' hangover or kids in their early teens with spiked up hair using phrases like fo' shizzle. I don't think I even have enough hair to spike up anymore. Along comes this woman with her two children, one at the cute 'oh-I-wanna squeeze-your-cheeks' age and the other at the 'oh-you-spoiled-brat-you-didn't-just-steal-my-cookie' age. The latter was a girl. The former was being breast-fed. So I did what any normal man with a strong respect for chivalry would do. I ogled. This lady, she wasn't unattractive. She still had that glow of a pregnant woman. Also, she had the poise and radiance of a much younger woman. And at some point in the course of her breast-feeding she must have noticed me staring. So she did what any normal outraged mother of two would do. She shot me a pathetic look of detest. As if I were some wicked poltergeist. I smiled. I really should find a remedy for my unhealthy need to reciprocate. I looked at my watch again. 20 minutes late. I don't know about any of you, but this is about the time I begin to realize that I've been stood up, but the feeling is shrouded by an air of uncertainty and a tinge of denial. I guess I must have come across as a tad shifty, cos when her little girl came up smiling, the mother shot her a look of marked disapprobation. She must've been five. But that's me, kids are always drawn to me. Someday I'll be the fun uncle in the family. But when I leaned over to squeeze her cheek, she shrieked and sprang behind her mother's skirt and hid there, peering around as if I were some raging pedophile. It might've been an honest mistake. Twitchy, tapping a suspicious beat on the table with my fingers, sneaking snide glances here and there. You get the picture. That was when I realized she was probably drawn to the slice of chocolate cake on my plate rather than by my infallible charm. The mother smiled smugly. Come to think of it, that was probably not the best moment to zip my fly. Half an hour late, she comes waddling in. The woman I was supposed to meet. She was a bit toothier and bit more on the pudgier side than one would expect from her photos on the site. But when it comes to online dating, you have to be ready for surprises. You have to be ready to improvise. 'You're a lot prettier than I had expected,' I said. 'You're a little shorter than what I'd expected,' she said, smiling warmly. I don't like it when people judge me prematurely. I mean how can you possibly gauge my height without ever having met me? The 6'1 posted on the site could easily be a typo. The truth is you're prone to making mistakes when you harbour a pre-conceived image in your head. I'm not really a pedophile either. As I've learned from my wild experiences setting up dates with strangers, there are always some skeletons your partner has in his or her closet. And as is so often the case, they tend to come bungling out when you begin to settle in each others' company. This woman had a wooden leg. The sex was amazing.