If I Was Your Vampire

It was a dark and dreary street in a nondescript part of the town. Cobwebs clung onto the lanterns that clung on precariously to crooked rods that sprung out from the pavement. The lanterns, however, did not produce any light. All they did was emanate darkness. A misguided pair, lost in this particular nondescript part of town, seemed lost as to what they were doing there anyway. One of them was called John. The other was a vampire.

John: "I can't believe you bit me!"

Vampire: "Oh zon't be such a baby! You'll get used to it soon."

John: "Soon? How soon is soon for you eh, Mr. I creep out of the darkness and bite you when you're not looking?"

Vampire: "Please. My name is Garok. I have had it for zenerations!"

John: "Mine is John...And I don't want to live for generations. I have an ailing uncle. I'm his sole heir! I will run out of money if I live for generations!"

Garok: " How much money we talking about? Is your uncle a leprechaun?"

John: "No, a werewolf."

Garok: " Oh werewolves are your sworn enemies now. You can't accept his money."

John: " Oh the humanity! One day I'm rearing up to be a good, strong werewolf and the next...I'm a filthy vampire!"

Garok: "It'z true...Life iz hard."

(An uneasy silence follows)

John: "Err...So...This vampire business can't be too bad, right? Atleast the chicks dig us, right?"

Garok: " No. No one digs us when we're sleeping. Our coffins are always exactly 50 feet under the earth."

John: " No...Not that...the chicks.."

Garok: "Yes, chicken blood, very good for the complexion-"

John: "No, you moron, GIRLS, WOMEN, GRANDMOMS FOR YOU!"

Garok: "Aah! How do you say, ze umm...poozy?"

John: "Yes!"

Garok: " Don't bother about zat. Your genitals will soon shrivel up and fall off."

John: "WHAT??"

Garok: "Yes. In about a day or two-"

John: "Go fuck yourself man!"

Garok: "I can't. my genitals have shrivel-"

John: "Please! spare me."

Garok: " As you wish.."

( They soldier on through the darkness....until the silence grows creepy)

John: " What else should I know about vampires?"

Garok: "I am a Death Dealer, sworn to destroy those known as the Lycans. Our war has waged for centuries, unseen by human eyes. But all that is about to change-"

John: "Stop!..Did you just rant off a line from Underworld?"

Garok: " My store of movies are err...limited!"

John: " No,I mean, what do vampires do?"

Garok: "Well...we sleep for the most part...Sometimes watch movies. We seldom bite people. Just when we're like really really bored."

John: "Figures. So what should I be afraid of now that I'm one of you?"

Garok: " Oh sunlight mostly.."

John: " What do you mean mostly?"

Garok: " We also fear contaminated blood, Chetan Bhagat, inflammable objects, Van Helsing, Monica Lewinsky, Hugh Jackman, electronic engineering and masochysts."

John: " Oh. That's not so bad...No need to fear holy water or garlics or the cross?"

Garok( deep cackling laugh): " Oh no, no, no! That's just a myth. There is no God. So all the holy water rubbish is just a myth-"

John: " So there's no Satan, too?"

Garok: "Of course there's Satan. I talk to him ever so often in my sleep. Zis one time, Darkness, Satan and I are on conference-"

John: " So...God doesn't exist...But Satan's real?"

Garok: "Yes! God's a myth, you foolish human, a myth! O who am I talking to! You probably wouldn't recognise a myth if it came and bit you on the nose!"

John: " Ah...but I wish you hadn't bitten me on my nose. It's all swollen and red now."

Garok: "Well. Life iz hard!"

John: " So coming back to the topic...all we do is lie around in our coffins, all alone and without purpose?"

Garok: " Silence will be your only companion."

John: " Please tell me she's a good talker."

Garok: "She's golden..."

John: "I see..."

( the wind howls through the town, the night feels eerie. Garok lights a cigarette. The wind blows it out. A voice thunders in the air "Now, now Garok. You know that's bad for you!")

Garok( looking up into the clouds): " Fuck you Darkness!"

John: " So what are we really? Half man, half bat? My back is itching...I assume those are wings?"

Garok: " Oh no. We're not bat at all. Bats are sometimes vampires. Those wings will shrivel up and wither away in a few days."

John: "....So what's the point..?"

Garok: " Exactly the point!"

John: " So we don't have wings but we're not bats...bats have wings but are not vampires...So who exactly is Batman?"

Garok: " Oh, he's just an imposter!"

John: " I think the sun's beginning to rise. Why am I feeling all hot and sick?"

Garok: " Oh that's just you beginning to shrivel up and burn! Aren't you feeling sleepy?"

John: " Why wouldn't I? You interrupted me while I was on my way to The Old Witches' tavern, and I've been walking god knows where ever since!"

Garok: "He probably doesn't know. But here's your coffin!"

(Garok snaps his fingers and two coffins magically appear out of nowhere. John climbs into his uneasily. You sure I won't suffocate? *Yawns*)

Garok: "For God's sake, you're practically dead! Now don't be such a baby!"

John: " Good night then.."

Garok: " Don't let the termites bite!"

John: " Yeah, whatever."

(Garok climbs into his own coffin and there's a sudden snap. And the two coffins disappear as the first rays of the sun come crawling up the street and start illuminating the unlit lanterns.)

(Somewhere on earth, the sun's light has no effect on the lurking darkness. Music blares from the mammoth speakers as the 42" LCD screen glimmers with the scenes of some action movie.)

Batman: " Hey Supes! Care for another beer?"

Superman( laughs uncontrollably): " I'd rather not. Did I mention these fluoroscent zappers are so awesome? i wish I had my own batcave!"

Batman: " Yeah, I got a great deal on them. They keep the bats away."

Superman( pointing to the screen): " So this Joker guy...Is he really such a tough guy?"

Batman: "Nah. Tv is overrated. Here, have another beer."

Superman( looks thoughtful): " Are you trying to get me drunk?"

Batman(looks hopeful): " Yeah..."

Superman: "Are you sure no one's reading this?"

Batman: "Oh relax...Don't you think the world knows we're gay?"

Superman: "...Where's Robin?"

Batman: " I dunno. He said his genitals were beginning to shrivel or something. Must have caught something from all his romping sessions.."

Superman: "Oh that's kryptonite poisoning...Happens to me all the time. All he needs is a bit of sunshine."

(Lights go out.)