Shizo rubbed his chin contemplatively, squinting at the bright screen that seemed to burn his retinas.
- "Please control your enthusiasm", read the mail Shizo was looking at.
- "Look at this throbbing erection of revenue!" read the mail immediately below, ironically painting the performance of the company's latest initiative in a very positive, albeit phallic light. The accompanying chart was a straight line, escalating until it peaked at a nice quivering swelling at the climax. As far as depictions of erections go, you could advertise it on any torrent page and proudly pin the words "Scientists hate him!" to it and nothing would be out of place. It was quite a work of art, having required all the MS Paint skills Shizo had had picked up when he was 9.
"But to be fair, it probably isn't a throbbing one", thought Shizo. He generally prided himself in being fair when dispensing judgment.
-"Let's discuss", ended the note from his manager.
This was a conundrum. 'Discuss what?', a critical person may ask. A lot of people may argue that enthusiasm is the lifeblood of a startup. And erections. And after being subjected to the 'What is your "passion"?' question in every startup job interview he'd attended (to the extent of that word involuntarily inducing vomit every time he heard it), it seemed odd that untrammeled passion would be received with such disdain.
Maybe that really is the problem with startups, Shizo pondered. Too much time wasted on the things that don't matter, which itself was a result of top-down enforcement of authority and a willy-nilly acceptance of the encroachment of one's own professional liberty by the people who actually do the work. Or maybe that's a hallmark of Indian work culture in general. Whatever, the reason, in fledgling work organizations like his, the so-called culture tends to be dictated by the people calling the shots, and since most money-driven, consumer hating peddlers of services that have already existed in the western markets for 5 years (aka Startup leaders) tend to be cuckolded by investors to begin with, day-to-day business in most of these places tend to take the form of responding to micro-management and the relinquishing of any form of pursuit in life to put in more hours (even if all that's achieved is super-sized thumb muscles from having twiddled them the entire time your boss sits late checking Facebook) in a spurious demonstration of work ethic. A more "cover-your-ass" approach to running a business, if you will. The industry seemed to be crumbling in and around itself about 3 years into what was so fervently foretold to be a "Revolution". A Revolution so jam-packed with innovation and so in-tune with the pulse of the market that it led to unprecedented technological marvels like the Indian versions of Yelp, Amazon, GrubHub and Uber.
It's not like Shizo was overly perturbed with the possible ramifications of his little mail delinquency. He just didn't enjoy any infringement on his productive work period. And he was busy doing-
-"I have an idea about how we can make this work!", exclaimed Panks.
Panks sat adjacent to Shizo and at that moment, they were sitting side-by-side staring at the pitiful performance of the company's latest initiative - the AppsDaily AppStore. If you're wondering at this point if it had any relation to what Apple has painstakingly built into a trademarked product, the answer is "Yes". It was literally the same thing. Except the apps were bootlegged off the Play Store using a shady chrome extension and plugged into the AppsDaily App and voila! High fives and back thumps all around! At AppsDaily, we knew how to build a winning strategy. It's worth lauding the company's "What's in a name?" approach as well. What did AppsDaily do? They made apps for daily use. To what end? To 'Make Lives Better' as their motto proudly exclaimed. You know, like providing food or fresh water to starving children. But by selling mobile phone insurance instead. If you don't see the logic in that, sound business practices are clearly an elusive concept for you. To be fair, they weren't called AppsDaily to begin with. They were called DailyApps. The name was switched and the office re-arranged in accordance with other fine business principles like Numerology and Vaastu.
-"How so?"
-"You know how we distribute this app by having our guy in the store manually installing the app on the user's device, right?"
-"Right"
-"And you know how most of our app usage comes from our own guys sitting in Retailer outlets?"
-"Of course"
-"And you know how their phones keep getting affected by weird viruses and we keep having to constantly replace them? That's basically them just watching porn all day and clicking on those shady whatsapp texts"
-"I thought it was the AppsDaily Antivirus we sell"
-"No that does nothing"
-"I see"
-"It literally does nothing. I have seen the code"
Panks used to be a whiz engineer before finding his calling as an analyst.
-"Anyway", he continued. "We should totally just fill this app with pornographic apps and have our guys watch them everyday. Boom! Ad Moneys!"
He stretched out the Moneys into a kind of 'moneeeeez' sound while breaking into a jig reminiscent of Leonardo di Caprio in Wolf of Wall Street.
-"The FapsDaily FapStore", he concluded his pitch with a grand flourish and a wry grin.
I liked the idea. If there's anything you can juice ad infinitum, it's a Fapstore. Throbbing erections would finally find a place in the workspace.
Panks went back to what was arguably his day job - sharing dank memes. I glanced at my watch and went back to twiddling my thumbs. It was 8 PM on a Friday and the manager hadn't left.
*Ping*
We collectively receive a whatsapp message from the manager.
"ThankyoUniverse", it reads. "Toothpaste is a vital necessity in our lives. Just think of all the benefits it gives us - fresh breath, strong gums, no cavities. Take a moment of your day to meditate deeply and while you exhale, say 'Thank you Toothpaste'. Do this 20 times.."
I stop reading and exhale. I do not thank toothpaste. Instead, "What is my passion?", I wonder.
-"Let's discuss", ended the note from his manager.
This was a conundrum. 'Discuss what?', a critical person may ask. A lot of people may argue that enthusiasm is the lifeblood of a startup. And erections. And after being subjected to the 'What is your "passion"?' question in every startup job interview he'd attended (to the extent of that word involuntarily inducing vomit every time he heard it), it seemed odd that untrammeled passion would be received with such disdain.
Maybe that really is the problem with startups, Shizo pondered. Too much time wasted on the things that don't matter, which itself was a result of top-down enforcement of authority and a willy-nilly acceptance of the encroachment of one's own professional liberty by the people who actually do the work. Or maybe that's a hallmark of Indian work culture in general. Whatever, the reason, in fledgling work organizations like his, the so-called culture tends to be dictated by the people calling the shots, and since most money-driven, consumer hating peddlers of services that have already existed in the western markets for 5 years (aka Startup leaders) tend to be cuckolded by investors to begin with, day-to-day business in most of these places tend to take the form of responding to micro-management and the relinquishing of any form of pursuit in life to put in more hours (even if all that's achieved is super-sized thumb muscles from having twiddled them the entire time your boss sits late checking Facebook) in a spurious demonstration of work ethic. A more "cover-your-ass" approach to running a business, if you will. The industry seemed to be crumbling in and around itself about 3 years into what was so fervently foretold to be a "Revolution". A Revolution so jam-packed with innovation and so in-tune with the pulse of the market that it led to unprecedented technological marvels like the Indian versions of Yelp, Amazon, GrubHub and Uber.
It's not like Shizo was overly perturbed with the possible ramifications of his little mail delinquency. He just didn't enjoy any infringement on his productive work period. And he was busy doing-
-"I have an idea about how we can make this work!", exclaimed Panks.
Panks sat adjacent to Shizo and at that moment, they were sitting side-by-side staring at the pitiful performance of the company's latest initiative - the AppsDaily AppStore. If you're wondering at this point if it had any relation to what Apple has painstakingly built into a trademarked product, the answer is "Yes". It was literally the same thing. Except the apps were bootlegged off the Play Store using a shady chrome extension and plugged into the AppsDaily App and voila! High fives and back thumps all around! At AppsDaily, we knew how to build a winning strategy. It's worth lauding the company's "What's in a name?" approach as well. What did AppsDaily do? They made apps for daily use. To what end? To 'Make Lives Better' as their motto proudly exclaimed. You know, like providing food or fresh water to starving children. But by selling mobile phone insurance instead. If you don't see the logic in that, sound business practices are clearly an elusive concept for you. To be fair, they weren't called AppsDaily to begin with. They were called DailyApps. The name was switched and the office re-arranged in accordance with other fine business principles like Numerology and Vaastu.
-"How so?"
-"You know how we distribute this app by having our guy in the store manually installing the app on the user's device, right?"
-"Right"
-"And you know how most of our app usage comes from our own guys sitting in Retailer outlets?"
-"Of course"
-"And you know how their phones keep getting affected by weird viruses and we keep having to constantly replace them? That's basically them just watching porn all day and clicking on those shady whatsapp texts"
-"I thought it was the AppsDaily Antivirus we sell"
-"No that does nothing"
-"I see"
-"It literally does nothing. I have seen the code"
Panks used to be a whiz engineer before finding his calling as an analyst.
-"Anyway", he continued. "We should totally just fill this app with pornographic apps and have our guys watch them everyday. Boom! Ad Moneys!"
He stretched out the Moneys into a kind of 'moneeeeez' sound while breaking into a jig reminiscent of Leonardo di Caprio in Wolf of Wall Street.
-"The FapsDaily FapStore", he concluded his pitch with a grand flourish and a wry grin.
I liked the idea. If there's anything you can juice ad infinitum, it's a Fapstore. Throbbing erections would finally find a place in the workspace.
Panks went back to what was arguably his day job - sharing dank memes. I glanced at my watch and went back to twiddling my thumbs. It was 8 PM on a Friday and the manager hadn't left.
*Ping*
We collectively receive a whatsapp message from the manager.
"ThankyoUniverse", it reads. "Toothpaste is a vital necessity in our lives. Just think of all the benefits it gives us - fresh breath, strong gums, no cavities. Take a moment of your day to meditate deeply and while you exhale, say 'Thank you Toothpaste'. Do this 20 times.."
I stop reading and exhale. I do not thank toothpaste. Instead, "What is my passion?", I wonder.
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