Subhash dabbled in many hobbies. Doing voice-overs for ads was just one of them. He was famous within the office for having auditioned for the voice-over of Rupa Underwear for Men and sending the video file to the wrong Whatsapp group which had all of us in it. Spamming whatsapp groups was another pet hobby of his. "Nurturing creative passions leads to an increase in productivity", he claimed. Whether one can truly nurture anything while narrating the benefits of airy trunks while a dismembered crotch slides in and out of the frame is debatable. In person though, Subhash was a man of few words, but many idioms. And the idioms that didn't exist, he crafted into being. And with these idioms, he bound together sentences which clustered into paragraphs and these paragraphs, when not being forced onto his reportees in the form of daily Whatsapp messages thanking the universe, were often forced onto his reportees in face-to-face meetings where the universe was profoundly thanked and facebook messages were checked and calls to family members were made before finally getting down to business in the last 5 minutes, the whole ordeal somehow always culminating with him jubilantly discovering a Powerpoint action and declaring it a productive day.
Subhash was Shizo's manager and an asset to the company. He was an adept Biz Dev guy who'd mistakenly stumbled into the Head of Product role. While his approach to Product was regarded as eccentric by some and clueless by most, his selling acumen was beyond reproach. Legend has it there once was a tribe of thriving snake-oil salesmen who kept their knowledge within their kin and Subhash was the last surviving member of that lineage. Selling was his thing; his selling was known to transform the most base shit into a thing of God-like desirability in the clients' eyes. But much like his voice-over skills, Appsdaily desperately needed its shit to be sold.
-"From now on, Astrology will be handled by yours truly," said Subhash, beaming as usual, when Shizo happened to be caught napping by the coffee machine.
'Just my luck', Shizo thought. I should have been more careful. 'Did I really need this coffee? Hot water and sand would go down easier than this anyway.'
Looking left and right before crossing the road might just be a precautionary measure for some, but at Appsdaily, it was a ritual. The road being a metaphorical allusion to the stretch in front of Subhash's office and the goal being to ascertain the coast was clear.
-"Oh. Is Jomo not handling it anymore?", Shizo asks.
-"No, he didn't grab the bull by its horns when he should have."
-"Right"
-"It's a low hanging fruit, Shizo"
-"I'm sure"
-"I need a hockey-stick growth on this service"
-"Fruits grow in crazy ways"
-"So I'll have him hand it over to you", Subhash remarked before casually walking off.
There's a saying at Appsdaily. When confused, look to Bala. And Bala was sitting there clutching a coffee and chuckling, displaying a wide array of shiny white teeth. Maybe he'd thanked the universe for toothpaste that morning.
-"He doesn't know what 'Yours truly' means," he explained.
Realization dawned.
Bala was a bright lad. He was Subahsh's protege so to speak. Fresh out of B-School and on the lookout for credible mentorship, Bala was taken under Subhash's wing and as the story goes, Subhash really saw a reflection of himself in Bala and proudly declared the same. Bala was affable, got along splendidly with everyone, he was diligent, had a keen eye for solutions and made a damn good PPT (powerpoint presentation). Subhash was excellent at assigning more PPTs to people. They were like two peas in pods shaped like chalk and cheese.
-"How come the Astro gig didn't come to you?"
-"It did," Bala chuckled. "I dodged it".
-"How so?"
-"He caught me in the washroom and was just about to approach me. You know how the urinals are all taped over to prevent people from using them while they do the repairs? I started staring at that with a confused look on my face"
-"And?"
-"He was like, 'What idiots tried to fix this with tape?' and then forgot about Astro and walked into the stall. He thought the tape was meant to be the fix.", he guffawed and tore into a muffin. "He caught you next!" he half-spoke, half-gesticulated, still laughing with a stuffed mouth.
-"Damn you Bala!", remarked Shizo as he shook his fist and muttered curses and made his way outside while Bala sat laughing an evil manic laugh. Good chap.
The stars never aligned for Appsdaily Astrology as a service. They didn't for AppsDaily either, but while they could see it coming, they didn't pay it any mind. It's like one of those Bay of Bengal cyclones we were always warned about growing up in Kolkata, which invariably landed up in Orissa. Everyone sort of assumed it would be the same with Appsdaily. But Astrology was a taboo service. It had been passed around thrice and no one could really do much with it. It was like the forgotten child languishing in a corner of what should have been the Fapstore, but was just AppsDaily Appstore. In retrospect, (Shizo often thought) it wasn't reaaaally a surprise how it turned out, was it? The massive amount of market research that went into launching it was constituted primarily of Subhash's dream the previous night and a strong belief that the entire emerging market of consumers in India largely spent their time looking at the muhurrat every day and listening to devotional bhajans. This birthed Astrology and Devotional as specialized services offered on the AppsDaily platform. And were eschewed by employees and customers alike ever since.
Subhash ushered Shizo in when he knocked. From experience, Shizo knew a half hour wait-time was customary under such circumstances while Subhash wrapped up whatever mail or conversation he'd been having. Common activities you could undertake in Subash's cabin were - take in the breath taking scenery of self-painted amateur art that hung all over the walls, explore undiscovered realms in the newest mobile game on your phone, lay back and relax on the standard issue swivelly office chair, and get some wholesome exercise by twiddling your thumbs to your heart's content. What's half an hour when the day had 24? It's not like the amount of work determined productivity in the office space anyway.
-"What's that?", Subhash jumped up, startled.
There was a buzz that ran through the walls of his cabin every now and then and always caught him by surprise. The balcony outside was commonly used as a smoking area and some one had put a faulty electric shaver that buzzed off its own will in a pigeon hole on the other side of Subhash's cabin wall. Shizo'd discovered this a few weeks ago. The buzz always startled Subhash and there was a betting pool going round on when he'd realize what it was. Shizo's wagered date was still a few weeks away.
-"I dunno", he remarked. "I wanted to get a dump on the Astro stuff"
-"I think those pigeons outside must be messing with the electric wiring, ya"
Shizo never quite got the hang of 'Ya'. It never struck Shizo as a Bombay thing, but it's definitely a posh thing. Is 'yaar' too long a syllable? What is the reason it is curtailed? Is it too desi? Then why use it at all? Can one try a punctuation to end the sentence instead? A period, perhaps? Buddy, Friend, Guv, Bro, Pal, Dude, Mate, Man were all acceptable (sometimes odd, but acceptable) sentence-enders in Shizo's book, but 'ya' was a reprehensible cumstain on the dictionary of modern Hinglish slang. He didn't know why he despised it so though. But pigeons being buzzed by electric wires 5 times a day wouldn't seem like a plausible explanation to most people. What was the rationality of the situation? Was it the same pigeon? Was it Electro, the pigeon villain sworn to bug its arch nemesis, Subhash every time it needed a laugh? Was it a different pigeon every time? Was Subhash's cabin like that mosquito zapping contraption, except for pigeons? It took a complex mind to follow Suhash's train of thought.
-"I really wanted to say I have a lot on my plate, Subhash. Perhaps Astro can be given to someone else."
-"Nope. Everyone is super packed right now."
Shizo mentally accounted for the other Product Managers in his head. Vix was a stoner working on AppsDaily Education (who followed a lassez faire attitude toward showing up to office), Moju was working on AppsDaily Kids, Games was a service he was handling himself, Anna was on top of new initiatives and there was no Product Manager on the only thing that made money - Insurance.
-"What about Jomo?"
Jomo was on Subhash's absolute shitlist. On the fickle scroll called 'Subhash's List of Whom or What he Likes', Jomo was as far below center as Bala was on top of it. While Bala represented Subhash's pull to the light, Jomo represented the deplorable Sith whom he'd relegated to the Dark Side and whose light saber he'd replaced with a dildo. Then he made him sit on that dildo every day while he thanked the universe that evil was vanquished. Shizo regarded Jomo as quite a smart chap. He was from Coimbatore though and didn't understand Subhash's puns. Couldn't be helped.
-"No. He had his chance. He didn't even send a mail to Madhavan for 2 weeks"
Long story short, he didn't send a mail. And Astro sucked. And Madhavan was Subhash's Whatsapp contact who presumably was the original owner of the Astro content and contacting him was more of a check-in to say 'Hi'. Like smiling at your landlord.
-"So there are like 250 Games I need to populate on the App Store and make those 3 PPT decks you asked for and set pricing for those games and- Can Anna pick it up?"
-"No. Anna is busy. He's Blue-Skying."
-"What's Blue-Skying?"
-"Trying to find new initiatives that explore synergies with our business model"
Which struck Shizo as odd since the current business model was more along the lines of let's fuck that and see if we get Chlamydia. Exploring new opportunities at this stage would involve more of replacing the pus-soaked bandages every now and then than actual thought.
-"Accha listen, do you know how to crop this image?", Subhash asked, leaning into his laptop seemingly having lost interest in the conversation.
-"Oh yeah. Just do this."
Shizo showed him how.
-"Oh wow! I think I found my new PPT guy!"
-"What happened to Bala?"
-"He's going to have his hands full now that he's going to Blue-Sky with Anna and me."
-"Oh", he said. "Crap", he thought. Making decks that never get sent out was a full time job that involved even more time to be spent with Subhash. "That means I have even more on my plate. Can I not do Astro then?"
-"Alright. Decks are important. I'll see if Vix can take this on."
Last I remembered seeing Vix was when he was passed out at a party 5 days ago. Maybe he was in the habit of checking his muhurrat before deciding to come to work. We did have 3 users on the Astro service. He must've been one of them. There were only 2 testers.
-"Thank you!", Shizo sighed at last. "I will grab this bull by the horns", he said smiling.
-"And fuck it in the ass", replied Subhash, reciprocating the smile.
Sometimes Subhash's idioms were so profound, they weren't understood by mere men.
Subhash was Shizo's manager and an asset to the company. He was an adept Biz Dev guy who'd mistakenly stumbled into the Head of Product role. While his approach to Product was regarded as eccentric by some and clueless by most, his selling acumen was beyond reproach. Legend has it there once was a tribe of thriving snake-oil salesmen who kept their knowledge within their kin and Subhash was the last surviving member of that lineage. Selling was his thing; his selling was known to transform the most base shit into a thing of God-like desirability in the clients' eyes. But much like his voice-over skills, Appsdaily desperately needed its shit to be sold.
-"From now on, Astrology will be handled by yours truly," said Subhash, beaming as usual, when Shizo happened to be caught napping by the coffee machine.
'Just my luck', Shizo thought. I should have been more careful. 'Did I really need this coffee? Hot water and sand would go down easier than this anyway.'
Looking left and right before crossing the road might just be a precautionary measure for some, but at Appsdaily, it was a ritual. The road being a metaphorical allusion to the stretch in front of Subhash's office and the goal being to ascertain the coast was clear.
-"Oh. Is Jomo not handling it anymore?", Shizo asks.
-"No, he didn't grab the bull by its horns when he should have."
-"Right"
-"It's a low hanging fruit, Shizo"
-"I'm sure"
-"I need a hockey-stick growth on this service"
-"Fruits grow in crazy ways"
-"So I'll have him hand it over to you", Subhash remarked before casually walking off.
There's a saying at Appsdaily. When confused, look to Bala. And Bala was sitting there clutching a coffee and chuckling, displaying a wide array of shiny white teeth. Maybe he'd thanked the universe for toothpaste that morning.
-"He doesn't know what 'Yours truly' means," he explained.
Realization dawned.
Bala was a bright lad. He was Subahsh's protege so to speak. Fresh out of B-School and on the lookout for credible mentorship, Bala was taken under Subhash's wing and as the story goes, Subhash really saw a reflection of himself in Bala and proudly declared the same. Bala was affable, got along splendidly with everyone, he was diligent, had a keen eye for solutions and made a damn good PPT (powerpoint presentation). Subhash was excellent at assigning more PPTs to people. They were like two peas in pods shaped like chalk and cheese.
-"How come the Astro gig didn't come to you?"
-"It did," Bala chuckled. "I dodged it".
-"How so?"
-"He caught me in the washroom and was just about to approach me. You know how the urinals are all taped over to prevent people from using them while they do the repairs? I started staring at that with a confused look on my face"
-"And?"
-"He was like, 'What idiots tried to fix this with tape?' and then forgot about Astro and walked into the stall. He thought the tape was meant to be the fix.", he guffawed and tore into a muffin. "He caught you next!" he half-spoke, half-gesticulated, still laughing with a stuffed mouth.
-"Damn you Bala!", remarked Shizo as he shook his fist and muttered curses and made his way outside while Bala sat laughing an evil manic laugh. Good chap.
The stars never aligned for Appsdaily Astrology as a service. They didn't for AppsDaily either, but while they could see it coming, they didn't pay it any mind. It's like one of those Bay of Bengal cyclones we were always warned about growing up in Kolkata, which invariably landed up in Orissa. Everyone sort of assumed it would be the same with Appsdaily. But Astrology was a taboo service. It had been passed around thrice and no one could really do much with it. It was like the forgotten child languishing in a corner of what should have been the Fapstore, but was just AppsDaily Appstore. In retrospect, (Shizo often thought) it wasn't reaaaally a surprise how it turned out, was it? The massive amount of market research that went into launching it was constituted primarily of Subhash's dream the previous night and a strong belief that the entire emerging market of consumers in India largely spent their time looking at the muhurrat every day and listening to devotional bhajans. This birthed Astrology and Devotional as specialized services offered on the AppsDaily platform. And were eschewed by employees and customers alike ever since.
Subhash ushered Shizo in when he knocked. From experience, Shizo knew a half hour wait-time was customary under such circumstances while Subhash wrapped up whatever mail or conversation he'd been having. Common activities you could undertake in Subash's cabin were - take in the breath taking scenery of self-painted amateur art that hung all over the walls, explore undiscovered realms in the newest mobile game on your phone, lay back and relax on the standard issue swivelly office chair, and get some wholesome exercise by twiddling your thumbs to your heart's content. What's half an hour when the day had 24? It's not like the amount of work determined productivity in the office space anyway.
-"What's that?", Subhash jumped up, startled.
There was a buzz that ran through the walls of his cabin every now and then and always caught him by surprise. The balcony outside was commonly used as a smoking area and some one had put a faulty electric shaver that buzzed off its own will in a pigeon hole on the other side of Subhash's cabin wall. Shizo'd discovered this a few weeks ago. The buzz always startled Subhash and there was a betting pool going round on when he'd realize what it was. Shizo's wagered date was still a few weeks away.
-"I dunno", he remarked. "I wanted to get a dump on the Astro stuff"
-"I think those pigeons outside must be messing with the electric wiring, ya"
Shizo never quite got the hang of 'Ya'. It never struck Shizo as a Bombay thing, but it's definitely a posh thing. Is 'yaar' too long a syllable? What is the reason it is curtailed? Is it too desi? Then why use it at all? Can one try a punctuation to end the sentence instead? A period, perhaps? Buddy, Friend, Guv, Bro, Pal, Dude, Mate, Man were all acceptable (sometimes odd, but acceptable) sentence-enders in Shizo's book, but 'ya' was a reprehensible cumstain on the dictionary of modern Hinglish slang. He didn't know why he despised it so though. But pigeons being buzzed by electric wires 5 times a day wouldn't seem like a plausible explanation to most people. What was the rationality of the situation? Was it the same pigeon? Was it Electro, the pigeon villain sworn to bug its arch nemesis, Subhash every time it needed a laugh? Was it a different pigeon every time? Was Subhash's cabin like that mosquito zapping contraption, except for pigeons? It took a complex mind to follow Suhash's train of thought.
-"I really wanted to say I have a lot on my plate, Subhash. Perhaps Astro can be given to someone else."
-"Nope. Everyone is super packed right now."
Shizo mentally accounted for the other Product Managers in his head. Vix was a stoner working on AppsDaily Education (who followed a lassez faire attitude toward showing up to office), Moju was working on AppsDaily Kids, Games was a service he was handling himself, Anna was on top of new initiatives and there was no Product Manager on the only thing that made money - Insurance.
-"What about Jomo?"
Jomo was on Subhash's absolute shitlist. On the fickle scroll called 'Subhash's List of Whom or What he Likes', Jomo was as far below center as Bala was on top of it. While Bala represented Subhash's pull to the light, Jomo represented the deplorable Sith whom he'd relegated to the Dark Side and whose light saber he'd replaced with a dildo. Then he made him sit on that dildo every day while he thanked the universe that evil was vanquished. Shizo regarded Jomo as quite a smart chap. He was from Coimbatore though and didn't understand Subhash's puns. Couldn't be helped.
-"No. He had his chance. He didn't even send a mail to Madhavan for 2 weeks"
Long story short, he didn't send a mail. And Astro sucked. And Madhavan was Subhash's Whatsapp contact who presumably was the original owner of the Astro content and contacting him was more of a check-in to say 'Hi'. Like smiling at your landlord.
-"So there are like 250 Games I need to populate on the App Store and make those 3 PPT decks you asked for and set pricing for those games and- Can Anna pick it up?"
-"No. Anna is busy. He's Blue-Skying."
-"What's Blue-Skying?"
-"Trying to find new initiatives that explore synergies with our business model"
Which struck Shizo as odd since the current business model was more along the lines of let's fuck that and see if we get Chlamydia. Exploring new opportunities at this stage would involve more of replacing the pus-soaked bandages every now and then than actual thought.
-"Accha listen, do you know how to crop this image?", Subhash asked, leaning into his laptop seemingly having lost interest in the conversation.
-"Oh yeah. Just do this."
Shizo showed him how.
-"Oh wow! I think I found my new PPT guy!"
-"What happened to Bala?"
-"He's going to have his hands full now that he's going to Blue-Sky with Anna and me."
-"Oh", he said. "Crap", he thought. Making decks that never get sent out was a full time job that involved even more time to be spent with Subhash. "That means I have even more on my plate. Can I not do Astro then?"
-"Alright. Decks are important. I'll see if Vix can take this on."
Last I remembered seeing Vix was when he was passed out at a party 5 days ago. Maybe he was in the habit of checking his muhurrat before deciding to come to work. We did have 3 users on the Astro service. He must've been one of them. There were only 2 testers.
-"Thank you!", Shizo sighed at last. "I will grab this bull by the horns", he said smiling.
-"And fuck it in the ass", replied Subhash, reciprocating the smile.
Sometimes Subhash's idioms were so profound, they weren't understood by mere men.
No comments:
Post a Comment